It´s Difficult.

Living in a different country to the one you were born and grew up in is difficult, you´re away from everyone you´ve ever known, your family, your friends (who you slowly lose touch with no matter how many promices to visit) and unless you choose an English speaking country, you also lose your language, your culture and a lot of the things that you identify with being you.

It´s difficult.

My life, although it has a LOT of wonderful things in it that I am eternally grateful for, my amazing husband, my job, a beautiful house, the fact that I now speak two languages (more or less) and lots more, it still doesn´t take away the fact that it´s difficult.

At work, I speak in English, but most of the time with three year olds, it´s a lot of: "sit down" "be quiet" "go to the bathroom" "stop hitting" and the old saying "Use it or lose it" is completely true, I´m forgetting English words, every so often a collegue will ask "How do you say..... in English" and I struggle to find the word although I know what it means, sometimes it comes back to me in a few minutes, sometimes in a few hours, sometimes in a few days, sometimes never... It´s difficult.

Outside of work I speak Spanish, for more than a year me and Mr. Millennial have been speaking exclusively in Spanish (although he speaks English) and with his family and friends too, I speak Spanish. When in Rome and all that. But it´s difficult.

I find myself frustrated, upset, angry, and more when i´m lost for words, when I can´t find the word in Spanish or a way to explain what I mean. Or when everyone is talking at once and i´m not quick enough to join in the conversation. I fear talking to strangers so much in case we don´t understand each other that I don´t even like shopping in case I have to speak to a shop assistant. I feel a tightness in my chest and have to repeat the phrase about 20 times in my head before I can aproach someone, and all the time hoping I understand the response.

Don´t get me wrong, I don´t regret for one second my decision to move to Spain, it was the best thing i´ve ever done in my life, I met my husband two weeks after moving here, as if the stars had aligned and my life made sense as cheesy as it sounds.

I also love that I can speak another language, little by little i´m getting there and I know than in another year or two I won´t have the language issues that I have now (or think I have) it´s a practice makes perfect thing. Speaking with my husband I´m the most confident Spanish speaker, I speak fast, using slang, talking in different tenses, the works, because I have no fear, if I say something wrong it doesn´t matter, he corrects me, I learn. Simple. I don´t have that confidence with groups of people or strangers. It takes all my courage to speak to the parents of my kids at the end of the day.

I don´t make new year resolutions, it´s too easy to break them, so i´m making a new life resolution, to solee my confidence issues, to speak to as many people in Spanish as I can, to panic, and sweat, and blush uncontrollably and not give a shit because the other option that I have is to stay at home for the rest of my life with only my husband to talk to, and as much as I love him, I think I need to make some other friends!